Illustrations by Grace McKenna Wednesday 4:30pm I can now state beyond any reasonable doubt that society is approaching some form of collapse, why? Because I’ve just been informed that we’re going to start buying our toilet roll on TikTok. I kid you not, apparently that’s a real thing. I’ll just leave that there because a statement like that is sort of beyond analysis. 6pm Right, other than the sixth great extinction being upon us, there’s a decent crowd in here at the minu

Illustrations by Grace McKenna Saturday 6pm For anyone wondering if I’m making full use of this return to studenthood, I’ve seen all 10 films up for best picture at the Oscars next week. I’m starting here because a group of women came in after their book club on Friday evening, discussing the things they’d do to Jacob Elordi (and sure, who could blame them?). I asked one of the women what they’d been reading and what did she say? You wouldn’t know it… Suffice to say her drink

Illustrations by Grace McKenna It's 20:03 and ‘Red Wine’ by UB40 is playing. It’s raining backwards outside; the only drink I’ve served in the past 30 minutes was for myself. I currently have a whopping three customers, the two in the corner are playing battleships and sipping negronis, the other is making steady progress through our stock of Pinot Grigio. I was thinking about David Attenborough earlier while cleaning the fridges and, hold on, my favourite customer has just