* Content warning for rape.
1.
I am trying to decide what I am allowed to call rape
I have been reading stories testimonies
straddling the tightrope of definition
it is not easy not black and white
and something about the word makes me feel weak
and dirty
and a liar
2.
he shoved himself in my face in a movie theater until I
gave in
I didn’t say stop
he pinned me against a bookshelf until I met his lips
I didn’t say stop
he undressed me after a party when I’d had too much to drink
said relax and choked me tighter until my eyes bulged
bit me so raw it hurt to wear jeans
thrust harder as I cried under the weight of him
I didn’t say stop
he told me he loved me
I believed him
3.
you learn how not to feel
his fingers on your skin
numb yourself to his pieces digging inside you
to depths you will block off
past your gut
to your lungs heart throat
until you can make no sound
and you cannot say the words
and you cannot. say. the words.
and your body sounds rotten in your own mouth
he is not with you tonight but you sleep with dissociation
stark naked at two in the morning
afraid to look at what’s left
4.
laying in his semen and my blood
across the room he swears and punches the wall
the condom broke again
he doesn’t apologize or ask if I am okay
and in the bathroom I stand beneath water
so hot it’s cold almost orgasmic
I realize I have never felt what it’s like
and most days I don’t think I want to
I don’t know who to tell this to
I don’t have money for a pill so
I claw inside myself to get him out
try to be clean
walk home in the cold under stars that will not shine
5.
I did it to say I’d done it
to tell myself I could choose
to be touched and to feel like I wanted to be
six summers after the movie theater
on a Thursday morning
the upstairs bedroom
on navy sheets
my body cut by light broken
into perfect shards
by dusty plastic blinds
the whole time he didn’t look at me
forced my mouth
seized and groaned
his liquid dripping down me
crusting my skin
after
he handed me a towel and I dressed in a corner
like a child atoning for a sin
in the bathroom I vomited at the sight of myself
6.
I can’t touch myself
desire tastes like tar and I am dry like cement
and I am afraid I always will be
and I am afraid to have someone love me
undress this body
and realize there is nothing left
whether the lights are on or off
it is no wonder they call it ‘taking’
and why I bled each time
7.
I am trying to decide what I am allowed to call rape
if I told myself I deserved it
wanted it
if I told myself this was how it was supposed to be
the men don’t understand
even the ones who almost do
this is why we muzzle ourselves imprison ourselves for a robbery we did not commit
we do not believe our own stories
I do not believe myself when I say it by name
rape
rape
rape
rape
rape
I was raped by a boy who told me he loved me
in a movie theater when I was thirteen
and I told myself I wasn’t
and I told no one.